I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That accounts for only three of the penises
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
