I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
