Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
one might say we're banned from that church
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
