When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
