woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
