I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
