K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
