if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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