In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
