he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Randomize
