i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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