so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
