i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
