god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I need to align my fucking chakras
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
