yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
