piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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