so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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