Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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