That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
