Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
