he wants to bone in the snuggie
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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