I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
