I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
