it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
