Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
