Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
