WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
