Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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