Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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