what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
