How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I didn't notice because vodka
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
