What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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