Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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