Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
God I need to hump something, right now.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
