This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
