i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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