im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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