Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
