My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
