If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
