There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You're like the curious george of whores
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
