The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
