I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
