Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
