You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
