I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
