So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
