just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
