She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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