Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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